Old reliable: A woman’s story

There once was a man totally in love with me. He wasn’t the perfect man for me though. On the surface, from the outside looking in, he seemed like the kind of guy you’d want to be in a relationship with. We would see each other and spend time together, but I knew deep down I really didn’t see myself with him long-term. He often complained that I never spent enough time with him, and if I did, I would see how he’s the guy for me.

lc1Yet in reality, I saw in him everything I needed to see. He was basically a good guy but had characteristics I knew I wasn’t willing to tolerate. When I wanted company I called him. When I wanted intimacy I called him. When I wanted sex, I called him. When I didn’t want to be bothered I didn’t call. I’d only respond to him when he responded to me. Most times he initiated communication, and to be nice and not come across as some mean bitch I would respond because overall he’s a nice guy. Truthfully, I had time. I just didn’t want to spend it with him.

There were many times I had nothing to do at all. There were times I spent my time with someone else. To him I was always too busy to spend time with him, because that’s what I’d tell him. I have things to do. I have a meeting. I have extra work to do. I’m meeting with my girlfriends. I promised a friend I’d help with something. I always had an excuse. I was hoping somewhere between the lines he would realize nothing more is going to happen between us. He’d pick up the hint that I am unreliable and I am outwardly showing how unreliable I am and this is proof we have no future. Yet I couldn’t actually bring myself to say those words to him face to face. I had no interest in meeting his close friends and family or his attempts at public displays of affection.

I was clearly avoiding him, yet using him when I felt like having him around because although I treated him that way, I knew he’d be there for me. He may have not been the best man for me but he was certainly reliable, he always answered his phone, he always made time for me.

So I say to anyone in a similar situation, how can hidden messages be seen? Many times you don’t want to hurt feelings or you get caught up for selfish reasons. If the feeling is not mutual give the gift of release. Old reliable is better off without you.

-anonymous guest feature

10 Things Distracting Women from Reaching Orgasm

I don’t know how many times I’ve read an article discussing how majority of women don’t have orgasms. I’ll admit I am somewhat a skeptic when it comes to these types of findings. I can’t say “majority” of women, but I can agree with “many” women are often distracted when engaging in coitus with their partner. After talking with both men and women, I have created a list of what I’ve found to be the most distracting.

1. Hair – When we step fresh out of the salon chair we are feeling like America’s next top model. We guard this hair from all rain, snow, hail, mist, wind, sweat, humidity, pretty much any type of head covering and other people’s hands. I wonder if there are any women that don’t have sex on the same day they get their hair done, hmmm. So you only position yourself upright. Occasionally you smack the hand and say DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR! Well….that’s sexy.

2. The Pudge– Mainstream media has indoctrinated the belief all women must have stomach’s that touch their backs. This is why we have a wonderful variety of “body shapers”. We suck our stomachs in and hold our breath as we walk through the club or restaurant and we look fabulous. All the while we are “waiting to exhale”. There are minimal ways to hide that nuisance of a pudge during sex. Face it; he’s going to see it. Try doing something that will take his (your) mind off your stomach and on to the skill set of your vagina……or your mouth.

3. Bad breath – What can I say? We all have our moments when our mouths are not, shall I say minty fresh. If you’ve been with your partner for a while I’m sure they’ve noticed. Just in case you had a rather pungent meal or it’s been a while since you’ve opened your mouth, keep a pack of mints or breathe “savers” in your purse, the drawer next to the bed, etc. I personally love the Ice Breakers Duo; they leave the mouth tasting sweet and great for kissing.

4. Fear someone will hear – You’re afraid someone is going to hear your moans and groans and ahhhs; the kids, roommates, parents, etc. This is an opportunity to get out of the bedroom and try other rooms that may be a bit more sound proof.

5. Ineffective contraception – Whether you’re trying a new form of birth control or loyal to the “trusty” condom, do your research and make sure whatever type of contraceptive you use is best for you and is used correctly.

6. Va-jay- jay is acting cray-cray – If you have an infection, an odd odor, or unusual looking discharge, DO NOT HAVE SEX. This is also why disease and infections spread so quickly, because many infected people are not seeking healthcare.

7. You’re cheating– No wonder you can’t focus, you’re worried about getting caught! If you know you bore easily, are prone to cheat or your partner is not satisfying you; talk to your partner!

8. Fornication – Sex outside the union of marriage may seem like a thing of the past for others, but for you it feels more like a guilty pleasure.

9. Alone and lonely – So you have sex with someone who you’re not even all that attracted to. It’s unfair to you and that person. Nothing wrong with just being friends. You can build relationships, not be lonely, and all together avoid “lonely sex”.

10. I believe one of the top reasons women don’t orgasm is because they’re afraid they may become pregnant. For some this may sound ridiculous, but for many it’s true. Many women don’t like the feeling or experience allergic reactions to condoms. Many don’t agree with taking contraceptives that interrupt the inner workings of the female anatomy. Often resulting in unprotected sex.

Every distraction on this list causes anxiety and stress. If sex is causing you more harm than good, I suggest you take some time to figure out what experience would be most pleasurable for you; this could result in either better sex, safer sex, or no sex.

-Noni Ayana

Roaring Pain,Silent Suffering

The sexual dynamic of a human being is essential to living. It is no coincidence that once someone experiences sexual assault, is most times scarred for life. Much like an addict, some seem to experience a lifetime of recovery. Yet, unlike the addict, the victim is chosen by the uncontrolled. Unfortunately many sexual assault victims choose to blame themselves, feeling powerless, vulnerable, and ashamed. imagesCATFBX58Some victims starve themselves, are suicidal, chronically depressed, or have chosen some other means to cope such as alcohol, drugs, etc. What do you say? How do you reach out to someone having been violated by some miscreant? What happened is NOT your fault! This is why sexuality should be explored and understood, not hidden and ambiguous. In many ways shame is synonymous with sexuality, and due to this, victims of sexual assault withdraw to themselves instead of coming forward. Women constantly police each other’s attire, body language, and behavior. We are taught to display ourselves in a way that will not cause imagesCA7TD4W3a man to think of us as purely sexual beings. Should I as a woman box myself in because man has no self control? Shouldn’t we apply more focus to the potential violator, not the one that tends to be violated? Who is teaching the boy, the man, to respect an individual’s space? Our society perpetuates double standards. Male dominant and patriarchal ideals in many parts of the world lead to female subordination. In one state, due to the alarming recent increase in rapes among women, the government felt it necessary to create a curfew. However, the curfew was for the women. What message does this send to men, to women? Is it possible these ideals are partially responsible for why male to male sexual assault goes further undetected or under-reported?

To victims of sexual assault, help is available. You do not have to fight this battle alone. Whether you are a child, teen, or an adult please reach out to someone. Not just anyone, but someone you trust and respect, in addition to contacting your local sexual educator, counselor, or therapist. If you are a victim and reading this post, yes your experience will change you. But you have the power to determine how it will change you. I urge you to fight for your life and not allow anyone to steal your joy.

-Noni Ayana

Why Don’t Women Know?

A good friend of mind asked me, “Why don’t women know”? Know about what I ask? Why don’t women know what’s going on with their bodies? To be honest, many women don’t ask. Some don’t want to know. I’ve seen many cases in which women experience vaginal/reproductive health issues for long periods of time and never ask questions. Experiencing consistent pain in the lower abdomen, vaginal discharge has begun to change in color and in smell, sores have begun to show on the outer or inner labia, and many women hope these issues will eventually go away or simply disappear. Maybe there’s a sense of shame or guilt when discussing with the OB/GYN

(assuming you have one)Imagewho by the way, has probably seen it all. But as a woman, you don’t think about that. You don’t think about the many cases/women your gynecologist has seen before examining you. This is a very private and delicate matter. Some women don’t want to be seen as ignorant, as if acting shocked when finding out she may have contracted herpes is going to make her seem innocent, blameless, or naive. The problem could be as simple as using the wrong type of soap or condom, clothing fitting too tightly and not allowing the vagina to breathe, or allowing someone’s dirty hands the pleasure of experiencing your unique flower. Or the problem could be as severe as irresponsible sexual behavior, or as complex as infection, disease, or cancer. Either way, we don’t always know, but we have the ability to sense change. What people often refer to as women’s intuition is very real and can prove to be quite useful during times of uncertainty. Many variables may effect your health, whether internally or externally. The goal is to increase self awareness.  Take note when your body changes, how your body reacts to food (especially meat, dairy, and other highly processed foods), types of fabrics, cleansers, other bodies/body parts. It’s important to listen when your body is speaking to you. How many times will I hear women describe stories of menses lasting longer than a month, burning while urinating, or constant itching, before someone realizes and says to themselves, “This is different. I feel different or this is not normal for me, maybe I should get this checked out”. Yes, consult a professional. If for some reason, due to circumstances beyond your control, you do not have access to an OB/GYN or primary care physician, research alternative treatment plans that have proven to be of minimal risk and are consistently effective. Contact your local public health clinic or your nearest sex educator, counselor, or therapist for additional resources. Hell, you can even send me an email, and if I don’t have the answer I will definitely research and locate a resource that does. Communicate to yourself and certainly to your partner or significant other. Although many of us enjoy the benefits of sexuality, we also tend to hide from accountability. Of course there are situations beyond our control. However, what we can control, we should. Why? Because ignorance is not bliss when it concerns the body. In this case ignorance can lead to sickness or even death.          -Noni Ayana