I TRY

I remember a significant relationship from many years ago. I was very in love with this young man. We had so much fun together. Many times I laughed till I cried. Of course it didn’t hurt that he had an awesome body, he was a great kisser, and well you know the rest. He was multi-talented and quite the salesman. I was often impressed with how he could persuade people to follow his lead. Many times I would stare and smile at him in awe.

But underneath his beauty lied a desperation for validation. I could tell there was a wish I could not fulfill; going back further than anything we’ve ever had. You see, old wounds don’t live well in new relationships. They often open into the center of your contentment. Blooming within what you may perceive to be happiness. Behind his pearly white smile was pain he would attempt to hide, distracting himself with his fascination of me. I indulged, though eventually his pain began to become my pain. I wanted so badly to rescue him. He wouldn’t allow me to. Tears of laughter slowly became tears of sadness. Enlightening conversations became debates, then arguments. Arguments became physical. Love and desire became resentment. My attachment, the yearning to rescue became a co-dependence.

I could not help him. His darkness had overshadowed our light. I wanted to be his love that made things all better. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He refused to recognize his plight. I couldn’t do it. My patience had run thin. I couldn’t deal with the anger, the frustration, his continuous inner battle that had overwhelmed him and now me. Even through all the pain I found it hard to leave. But I knew I had to save myself or his darkness would consume me. So I found the courage to leave.

I loved him, but I loved myself more. I see too many women sacrificing themselves for toxic love. Neglecting themselves for the sake of a severely dysfunctional relationship, attempting to compensate for his impotence. For a battle that is his alone. If you choose to conquer together, conquer in the name of progress. If not, I suggest you analyze which battle is worth fighting. Your life may depend on it.

~Noni Ayana

2 thoughts

  1. I was once ‘That man’, the one that was described in this blog. I was consumed by that inner turmoil, that struggle, that Pain. It seeped out and destroyed EVERYTHING in my life. From my relationships with family and friends, to the Love of my life.
    That was 15 years ago, and to this day I am still struggling to repair not only myself, but those that I destroyed along the way. The pain and turmoil are still ever present, but they no longer dominate my soul…

    • Hello Curtis,
      First, thank you for sharing your truth. It seems as though you have acknowledged your personal challenges and have held yourself accountable for your actions. This is good. Many are unable to accept responsibility. This is definitely a path towards progress and self growth.

      ~Noni Ayana

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