Get Married or Nah?

As an adult, the preachers daughter, the only daughter of seven offspring, daddy’s little princess turned sexologist, and slightly over 30 (pause for the cause), I’m often asked, “Why aren’t you married?” I seemed to be asked that question now more than ever due to many discussions groups that often include the curious minds of single and married women. I guess some may feel surely the sexologist of all people should have managed to scoop up a husband by now! Well, to be honest for many years I didn’t want to be married. Although I grew up in a somewhat traditional home, a husband seemed to be such a daunting and burdensome undertaking.

_MG_9049___By way of religious teachings, family upbringing, and social ideals, I was taught the man is the leader, protector, and provider of the home. All final decisions go through him. I am to be submissive, be his helpmate, and allow him to lead the family; whether to the heights of success or the ditches of despair. But from what I have seen over the years are married men that poorly assume this role having little to no positive example of the type of man they attempt to portray. I have seen leaders, but leaders of arrogance, of chauvinism. He protects his image, ensuring the wife maintains an image of loyalty, virtue, and support. All the while he is free to be the man society expects him to be, unfaithful, afforded many more freedoms than his spouse simply because of the existence of his penis. He is to control his woman and his offspring. After all their actions are reflections of him. Isn’t this why we see the recent rash of videos throughout social media of fathers publicly embarrassing their children in efforts to implement discipline?

Making a promise before God to be undoubtedly loyal to one person, how deep is that?

What is a husband and what does a husband do? Is his role to pay bills and fix broken things? Is he the “one who wears the pants”? Does he decide to marry because he doesn’t want to be alone? Is marriage for social status, to meet social expectation? Especially by a certain age, if you’re not married something must be wrong with you?

_MG_8638___I ask those that are married, why do you seem to be unhappy? Why is your spouse cheating on you? Why are you cheating on your spouse? Why don’t you and your spouse share responsibility? Why is your wife overwhelmed? Isn’t marriage somewhat of a partnership? Why don’t I hear about the beauty of marriage? Ladies and gentleman, I have been in school. All of these years I have sat back and observed these so-called marriages and I have learned many lessons. I have watched you argue, fight, and cry. I have watched your husband’s aggressively pursue other women. I have watched your wives flaunt reproductive organs to strange men attempting to tease and tantalize. I have seen your internet picture posts of wedded bliss, but behind closed doors is misery and resentment. Your conversations reek of sad realities and hurtful truths. The once loved is now lost and left to be found by the next sexy young thing to pick up the pieces of your unremitting breaking heart.

No I do not look forward to hard labor, to broken promises, and dry dreams. I do not look forward to fading attraction, un-forgiveness, inconsideration, and unyielding change. Your images are bitter-sweet, bitter for you, sweet for me.

I have been to class. I have seen your examples, and I have done my homework. So I am content, having waited. While waiting I have become quite knowledgeable of marriage, of people, and of myself.

So when I decide to get married, don’t come to me with that bullshit advice about how much work it is blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I get it. I’ve been watching YOU remember? I’ve witnessed enough separations, bad marriages, divorces and post divorce drama. If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

-Noni Ayana

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11 thoughts

  1. Ooohhh girl watch out. It was when I was truly happy with being single that my husband snuck into my heart and lodged there like a sweet wildflower. We’ve had our differences and challenges but challenges make you stronger and THAT we are. Trust, living life’s journey with a companion that makes you a better YOU and learning life through another’s eyes that only comes from a commited relationship whether you have a piece of paper stating that or not. Don’t ever feel pressured to get married- that’s how mistakes happen. But- fling yourself into the cosmic void and let the right one in. He’s my dearest love and knowing that deep into my soul is comforting, scary, and exhilarating all at once. Peace to you my sweet sister 🙂

  2. so is the problem with marriage or our fantastic Disneyian, Cinderellian, 1930’s expectation of this system. We have to stop defining marriage from a fairy tale perspective.

  3. Wow. As a man, wish I was able to disagree. But I to was once married. My idea of marriage was not to far from what was posted. But I did not have the teaching in such matters. I assumed. I was unwilling to view it from her side. Until now I have to be both father and mother to my 4 kids.
    Its a partnership, not a dictatorship.
    “Love to live. Live to love.”-cpcross_ziggy

  4. When I say I ‘exhaled’ as I read…I mean my heart smiled as my eyes cried and my mind stunned from my own thoughts and feelings…I am in agreement with it all. Being married before I see truth in all your words and it’s not with a heavy heart I reply but a thankful appreciative mind.

  5. Well well well, say that thing!!!! I feel like you were getting something off your chest. Thank you because most of us don’t have the courage to say just that ,the truth. I raise my hand to you, my fellow sister thank you for this lesson today.

  6. wow. this ONE weekend past, I was having similar thoughts. All the married couples I encountered are dysfunctional. And it’s just so obvious that they are unhappy. I can’t deal. But at the same time, I encountered two happily married black women recently too. And after years of marriage, they are in love with their husbands and vice versa. Both respective couples travel the world a lot with their husbands. Maybe there’s something both freeing and – insert a word for bringing people closer about that. I want that kind of marriage, where we’re companions and partners and in love – and just on the same page. So many people get married and they’re not even on the same page in terms of what marriage means, expectations, RULES – which are typically set by the men. I mean, my head has been spinning at the misery. But I’m optimistic.

    • It’s interesting you mention traveling the world. I think travel has the potentional to open ones mind and allow you to view things from another perspective. Maybe this contributes to longer lasting relationships.

      • Yes. Definitely a finding lately with content wives who actually glow when they talk about their marriage. Best to see some world! And be in a position to partake in common interests with spouse. For some it’s travel. I want that too.

  7. You preach that sister. As I type this message to you on this evening, I have been asked the same question by those who are miserable in their own situation. I choose to marry when I damn well feel led to marry. As of now, I am happy the way I am…Unmarried.

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