From Sexy to Settled: A Common Male Complaint

Why do women change once in the relationship? Many men complain women present themselves as super sexy, seductive, maybe even porn’ish when first dating. Bras and panties match, mani’s and pedi’s are consistent and continuous, hair stays looking flawless; overall she seems to be more conscious of her appearance, how she presents herself to her man. Later in the relationship or shortly after being married, sex is not as often, no more spicy tricks in the bedroom, those are now preserved as only a treat for special occasions. Ironically her headaches and fatigue seem to appear at the exact time he wants to have sex. As time goes by, the relationship begins to grow, and she evolves. Unfortunately her evolution is more like a transformation, rather an unraveling, of what used to be his wet dream turned a ‘drought.

Got_em now

I think part of this issue is some women get too caught up in presentation and what it takes to lure a man in, versus self-evaluation and understanding her sexual identity. When in a space of attempting to captivate a man’s attention, the focus seems to be the strategy. Most women know what to do to get a man’s attention, yet find it feels like work to keep his attention. However, if the things you naturally do attract men, the strategy won’t feel like work, because it’s natural. It is who you are.

129_6-female-libido-killers_flashThis is why I am a huge advocate of women understanding or at least becoming more aware of their sexual self perspective. As I have mentioned many times before, women are taught to undervalue sexuality. In other words the focus is mostly on what not to do, how sex and sexuality seems to be the cause of problems, especially for women. Women are not taught to embrace sexuality but rather to view it as an uncontrolled beast awaiting its female victims.

Unfortunately sex seems to be synonymous with male desire. sex_drive_dispa_photoMaybe this is also why some women slide down the slippery slope into asexuality, because sex is viewed as a man thing, not a woman thing; when in fact sex is for both men and women to enjoy.

Don’t be turned off by how you get turned on.

-Noni Ayana

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9 thoughts

  1. “Women are not taught to embrace sexuality but rather to view it as an uncontrolled beast awaiting its female victims.” Who do you feel us responsible for teaching women to embrace sexuality? I personally feel our sexuality and sexual identity are facets we grow into as we evolve and mature. I agree that men and women have a tendency to get complacent in relationships over time.

      • “Women are not taught to embrace sexuality but rather to view it as an uncontrolled beast awaiting its female victims.” Mothers being the first sex educator is definitely ideal and appropriate, but most often that’s not the case. And by the time most parents think their child is ready for a discussion about sexuality – which I think most of us “grow into” as we mature (no matter how many children or relationships we have) – they’ve already received sexual information from their peers.

      • I agree, after working in the non-profit sector with teen girls, I realized mothers are not talking to their daughters about sexuality. Within the next few months I hope to facilitate a workshop for parents providing creative and effective ways to discuss sexuality with their children. I also found some mothers did not discuss sexuality because they too had their own sexually related issues.

  2. I am not really sure where you’re getting all these generalizations about women. This is a pattern I have never observed, and even if it happens, it’s unfair to speak of it as generally true of the whole gender. And if a woman has to claim to have a headache in order to avoid sex, that’s obviously a problem with the man — because he’s the kind of turd who throws a hissyfit and can’t accept no for an answer. I agree with you that female sexuality is highly shamed and controlled, and part of that is the widespread belief that consent doesn’t matter and that men are entitled to women’s bodies, and also because women are expected to be passive and yielding to others in all areas of life, this one especially. In a climate where rejection is painted as “unfair”, one of the ways to fight all these problems is by demanding that men quit making women feel so unsafe and not allowed to make their own decisions that their wives and girlfriends feel like they have to lie in order to have any control over their own bodies.

    I don’t know what you mean by “sex seems to be synonymous with male desire”, since there are men desire other things than sex, and there are some men who don’t even like sex, hard as that may be to believe.

    And what the heck is “the slippery slope into asexuality”? Asexuality is an orientation, not a character flaw. If a woman is asexual, good for her! She needs support and affirmation and love as much as anyone else does.

  3. What about the men who change? I know at least two women (I know small sample) but they are in tune with their sexuality and got married ready to be freer than free with their husbands, and ended up being the ones begging for sex. Do you think that maybe these husbands were just into getting to “tame” these types of women? I.e. the sexually expressive and vibrant. Like the challenge, I got me a freaky one…and now I don’t want it anymore! ?…both of those situations have ended in divorce…sadly but the women were not getting their sexual and intimate needs met so they left. What do you think? Have u heard this flip side before?

    • Although I rarely hear of men being this way, I am aware it happens. Some men are not ready to be with a sexually open woman. Part of this has to do with control, so yes it’s possible they were looking to change their wives behavior. Simply put, men are not yet accustomed to “marrying” sexually expressive women. Just as sexuality is often viewed synonymously with male desire, sexually expressive women are often viewed synonymously with promiscuity, lacking self controlled, likely to commit infidelity, and not worthy of marriage. This can definitely cause a rift in a marriage if the man has traditional views, her sexuality can be a threat to his role as patriarch.

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