When visiting Atlanta Poly Weekend in 2012, I met a young lady, a poly participant, expressing her belief that humans are not designed to be a monogamous species. She continued to explain how our sexual organs are not solely designed to reproduce, as some people would believe, but are also designed to experience sexual pleasure. Her idea of monogamy is a socially created concept used to protect the male from raising a child possibly not his own; securing paternity. These were not her words verbatim, but I do believe I clearly expressed her point. In essence monogamy seems to be more about territory than about commitment. Which makes me wonder how the world would be if there was no marriage?
Although there is marriage, commitment, monogamy; we all continue to be attracted to people outside of our partner. Why are we not programmed to only be attracted to our chosen partner once we have decided to only be with a specific individual? Why is it difficult for some to be faithful to one person? I have asked many men married and single, do you think infidelity is inevitable. I was intrigued to find most of the men I asked felt someone in the relationship at some point will “cheat”. This provides anyone a rather bleak outlook on relationships. I wonder if I asked women the same question, what would be the response? As a single person should I give up on the prospect of my partner being faithful to only me? Is my hope unrealistic? Should anyone go into marriage assuming their future spouse will at some point commit adultery? If this happens, should I forgive, should I stay? The golden question is why do people cheat? There is no golden answer or resolution. Each person and situation is different.
I’m sure the pain can seem unbearable. To know the one you love and devote your heart to have been deceitfully devoting themselves to someone else, and in ways never shown to you. Is it realistic, is it humanistic to stay with your partner day after day, year after year and never experience the pleasure of someone else. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to experience that type of pain. The pain of betrayal, the pain of dishonesty, the pain of wishing I saw the signs.
As I browse the internet, watch the news, or documentary’s and view story’s of couples celebrating 50, 60, 70 years of marriage, I wonder how many times the train ran off the track, the severity of the casualties, and what was done to get that train back on track, or as my father would say, “when all the honey has dropped off the moon”. Do well hidden affairs keep marriages together? What you don’t know won’t hurt you, right?
If I am ever to be married, my hope is that my future partner and I enter into a union first truly understanding ourselves and then each other. Not seeking completion, but genuinely appreciating each other’s perfections and flaws entirely. Never stagnant, always seeking growth independently and together. Being honest, never taking each other for granted. Willing to learn and never assuming, but often communicating so you know.
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