I Must Stop Loving You

I remember being told that you can’t just stop loving someone. I disagree. If you can start loving someone, you can make the decision to stop loving.

Continuing to love someone who doesn’t really love you, only leaves you attached to memories, and the desire for a relationship you wish existed.

When someone says “I love you” what does this phrase mean? How do they define love? How is their love different from someone else? How do you know if it’s real, genuine, or authentic?

Is love compassion, empathy, and forgiveness? Is love loyal, encouraging, and inspiring? Is love intimate, passionate, and hopeful? Is love poetic?

 “So we ate and talked for hours.

We sat by the car as we laughed and reminisced.

We drove home to be under covers and watch a movie,

as we fell asleep like an old couple.”

Is love nostalgic, is it memorable? Is love an embrace, making you feel safe when vulnerable? Is love consistent, considerate, and kind? Is love beautifully terrifying? Out of all things love could be, love should always be true. If there is no truth in the foundation of your love, for my own emotional safety, I must stop loving you. If your love exists under the conditions of deceit, manipulation, and hypocrisy, then you have proven you don’t even love yourself.

How do you find yourself if you are lost? Love…true love. Yet, if your love is not true, you are lost, and I refuse to be lost with you.

~Noni Ayana

 

 

When He Doesn’t Get Along With His Mother

(Based on personal experience, the experiences of loved ones, and clients and/or people who I have worked with)
 
Men that do not have a healthy relationship with their mother (especially during their youth), often experience highly dysfunctional romantic relationships with women. They are sometimes abusive, bitter, fear rejection or abandonment, hyper-masculine, controlling, unable to commit, sexually inappropriate or irresponsible, or will sometimes use their sexual prowess as a tool of manipulation.
 
Unhealthy signs:
Will use expletives when referring to his mother.
Will say things like, my mother “doesn’t care about me”.
When the mother seems to show fear toward her son.
When the man refuses to have any type of relationship with his mother.
When the man views his mother as unfit to be a mother.
When a man says he cannot trust his mother, or he feels he cannot depend on her.
He resents his mother’s absence or lack of involvement in his life.
He blames most, if not all, of his shortcomings on his mother.
He says his mother does not love him.
 
If you are in a space which includes a man who does not have a healthy loving (with boundaries of course) relationship with his mother. Please be aware of the possibilities, and create realistic boundaries before moving forward. Self love is most important.
 
If you are this man, I suggest seeking support from your local counselor, therapist, or support group; recognize, acknowledge, and learn how to heal from your pain. Don’t let your pride get in the way of self-awareness, and learning how to maintain a healthy love for yourself and others.
 
~Noni Ayana

Studying Human Sexuality Taught Me…

Studying human sexuality taught me…

~Noni Ayana