Sexologist Noni Ayana is now offering one to one video conference consultations!
One of my biggest pet peeves is men not being truthful about whether or not they’re satisfied in their romantic relationships. Infidelity has become the norm. To the point that men will say their relationship or marriage is good, even though they are currently having multiple affairs with other women. This is not a matter of judgement. This is simply a matter of speaking and living the truth. Many men are not capable of being loyal to one partner. I don’t understand why people won’t just live the life they want to live. This may possibly mean not getting married, or at least being in a relationship that allows for partners to be intimate with people outside of their primary relationship. For some, this idea is damn near blasphemous. Yet, we all seem to be okay with breaking vows, living double lives, and being deceitful toward partners. We seem to expect this level of disloyalty, especially from men. Women must always maintain this image of belongingness.
What’s really going on? Why do men get married? Many say because at some point a man must settle down, have a family, and a woman who will take care of him. This ideal seems very man-centered. I rarely hear men speak of their significant others as someone they really like and enjoy being with. Not necessarily love, but simply like. There’s a difference. Even you may have family members or friends you “love”, but you all don’t spend much time together because you don’t “like” them.
Many men marry women they feel will fit the gender role. This expectation is problematic because it denies a woman’s individuality; she is dehumanized and desexualized. Maybe this is why men cheat. Men are sexually driven by women. Men are not sexually driven by wives. Think about it. #heterosexualisms
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I recently acknowledged and embraced the fact that I had almost put myself in a similar situation I was in almost 20 years ago. Yet, because I had learned a few life lessons along the way, I had the courage to purge. At first I felt shame for allowing this to happen in the first place. I had briefly doubted my ability to make decisions. I felt foolish, and asked myself how could I have been so naïve.
I wasn’t. I had been shown signs along the way. I was in complete denial. I had ignored my intuition, and wallowed comfortably in a false sense of contentment. My courage to purge brought me back to reality.
I broke down. I was in a severe state of sadness. I withdrew from the world, and went into hiding. I felt physical and emotional pain. I was lost.
However, the lesson continued to teach me. I had to keep remembering why I purged. Why did I let go of this toxin? Because the universe knew this toxin would eventually destroy me, and I’ve come too far. There is a plan for me.
For the last 6 months I had been in heavy meditation. I had been speaking my desires, dreams, and vision into existence. I questioned why. Why haven’t I experienced progress? Am I not being heard? Do I not deserve what I ask for? And then the message came to me. That I would have to let something go, in order to gain what I had been asking for. I cannot be enthralled in toxic servitude, and be blessed.
This message was difficult to see, because what first appeared to be veiled in beauty, was internally repulsive. Thus my inability to discern this toxic spirit.
I succumbed to my intuition. Acknowledging the truth, set me free. I am in a space of healing, and awaiting my blessings.
I remember being told that you can’t just stop loving someone. I disagree. If you can start loving someone, you can make the decision to stop loving.
Continuing to love someone who doesn’t really love you, only leaves you attached to memories, and the desire for a relationship you wish existed.
When someone says “I love you” what does this phrase mean? How do they define love? How is their love different from someone else? How do you know if it’s real, genuine, or authentic?
Is love compassion, empathy, and forgiveness? Is love loyal, encouraging, and inspiring? Is love intimate, passionate, and hopeful? Is love poetic?
“So we ate and talked for hours.
We sat by the car as we laughed and reminisced.
We drove home to be under covers and watch a movie,
as we fell asleep like an old couple.”
Is love nostalgic, is it memorable? Is love an embrace, making you feel safe when vulnerable? Is love consistent, considerate, and kind? Is love beautifully terrifying? Out of all things love could be, love should always be true. If there is no truth in the foundation of your love, for my own emotional safety, I must stop loving you. If your love exists under the conditions of deceit, manipulation, and hypocrisy, then you have proven you don’t even love yourself.
How do you find yourself if you are lost? Love…true love. Yet, if your love is not true, you are lost, and I refuse to be lost with you.
I thought I’d speak to the ladies, and provide some sense of advocacy for men. Possibly shedding some light on what men want in relationships, and ideas women should consider if desiring a healthy relationship.